WARNING:Triggering Topics
This is where I talk about random things, including some trauma related stuff so just a lil beware!
[Yes I am receiving help]I go by any pronouns, living in the states, vegan, i'm 20 years of age, and I have seen the worst humanity has to offer :( I'm an artist, photographer, and try to advocate for total liberation of all living beings.
WHAT - 4/6/2024
Dude I SWEAR the first thing I did when making this site was to give WebCoreEdits credit but I somehow didn't??? Thank you to Evil lightskin for bringing that back to my attention lol. For those who don't know, most of this site is just HTML practice. I am a newbie but hope to one day be able to make my own layout. (WebCoreEdits if u see this ily ur site is awesome, if U want me to remove anything, reach out to me via the profile tab)
No one actually gives a shit. - 3/5/2024
In my years alive I have watched this species commit some of the most violent disgusting things imaginable. I became vegan in 2015 I think, after visiting an animal sanctuary and having the owner basically explain animal exploitation in more detail. All I needed were words to tell me what was happening was wrong. Years later, I wanted to do something to help, along with getting both sides of the argument for veganism. I went to a slaughterhouse. I watched literal babies being thrown around like garbage, screaming for their lives. Screaming. Then silence as the blood poured out onto the sidewalk. I was traumatized, but I went to another, and another. No one else was protesting these places of horrors. No one else actually cared enough to stop. I had to keep going to these places, because who else was going to give aide to sick dying babies in their final moments? Who is going to let them know they are loved, as they can feel whats coming? They were all so scared. I was just in high school. I remember people would always find a way to make a meat related joke the minute they found out I was vegan. Every time they did I would have what I called "diet-flashbacks" before I was diagnosed with PTSD. I began to loose function, realizing no one actually cares. Are you reading this? Are you vegan or at least trying to be? Do you know about the horrors of what we do to non-human animals? Most of you would probably say no to the vegan thing. Humans are too lazy to actually take a step outside their comfort zone and do the right thing. I would talk about this aloud, and I was shamed. To this day, grown adults will make these jokes to me. I still have the same reaction. I can't control it.
When I started working, I found out soon after I couldn't due to my disabilities. Unknowingly at the time, PTSD was one of them. One day while working at the doggy daycare, I had to mop up some pee. So as usual, I went to retrieve the mop and bucket. I froze looking at it. The mop bucket hadn't changed, but today I took extra note at how similar the color of the plastic bucket on wheels was to the crates carrying sick/injured/dead birds to the slaughterhouse. I was sure that if I moved that bucket, I was going to find a dead, rotting dog behind it.
After realizing I couldn't work, I tried being more active in online art communities. Within a few days of joining this one discord server full of furries and artists in a "safe space", someone had figured out I was vegan. Almost right after they "made a character" using a quick Picrew creator of a normal looking cow. They then proceeded to say "Its name is Steak! :3" and basically kept doing small things to pick at me until I had a breakdown. I've noticed this with a TON of these "safe spaces" that have 0 tolerance for things like sexism, homophobia, transphobia, racism, zionism, etc. Never do they give a shit about speciesism though. In fact, they mock it. And don't dare give me a "it's not the same" because it fucking is, and you've never been inside and watched hundreds of people die in front of your eyes. Fuck. I don't know how much longer I can live in this sick society.
Loss - 2/29/2024
These past years I have experienced more loss than ever before. I don't understand. I feel like no one else carries this much loss on average. From watching hundreds of people in front of my own eyes, die at the hands of those I could not stop, to someone I considered more than a friend possibly lying and abandoning us, when she promised not to. I'm just sick of it all. I get that people come and go, but even when I make an effort to put everything into saving someone/a realationship, it crumbles. All ends in tears and blood. I don't know why. What did I do wrong? I just wish someone would tell me.
Letting go feels amazing, but how can I let go of something I was promised would never end? Why do i put so much trust and hope into things, when I'm one of the most hopeless individuals I know? I ignored my gut and followed my heart instead.
What he did. - 2/28/2024
When I was 14 I had a friend. A really good friend, or so I thought.
We had met online pre-convention in a group chat, and when the time of the convention came, we met up. I was a very awkward child, not really knowing how to socially interact, AT ALL. He didn't seem to mind too much, and through all my cringe acts, he stuck. I was happy that I had finally found my people. About a year or two later, he visited the city. I honestly can't remember if it was this visit or the next, but at some point he was staying at our place. At the time we lived in a smaller place. My bedroom was the size of a large closet, so I spent most of my time in my own little space, which I set up in a dark, crowded basement used for storage. I remember my mom setting up a inflatable bed for him on the floor beside my super uncomfortable couch I slept on at the time, as my bed wasn't moved to the basement yet. As the night went on, we watched movies I wanted to show him. I remember at some point he asked if I wanted to cuddle, which I said yes to as a very cuddly person. Though my memory is blurred, I remember at some point when we weren't cuddling, we was sitting next to me. I don't remember how it happened, but he had his thing out. I was taken aback, not knowing how to react. He asked if I wanted to touch it. I said no. I tried to ignore it and just watch the movie. At some point I think he said he needed to "make it go away" or something along those lines. I wasn't comfortable, but I thought that maybe if he did it would stop. I thought he meant in the bathroom. He only went in to grab a paper towel. I didn't know what to do or say. I kept trying to ignore it. I kept saying I didn't care. Why? Deep down I did. I was still young. He got ontop of me. I froze. His hand was holding my head down, as he placed the papertowel as to not finish directly on my head. It was over. I moved on. I kept being his friend. I kept snuggling with him that very night. Maybe I was afraid of loosing one of my only friends. The next time he visited I tried to put boundaries down as I began dating my partner. Almost right away when we were in the basement, he snuggled up against me and began to poke me with his erection. I said something stupid along the lines of "we can't be doing gay stuff" and he proceeded to then say something like "you mean I can't do... this?" and then put his hand around my throat. I froze again, but grounded myself and softly removed his hand from my neck, and simply said "no". I still continued to be his friend. I like to think people can change, but in the years since, I have only been proven wrong by other victims of his. I was 14, he was 17.
Why did I wait - 2/21/2024
I waited over a year for something I didn't realize was over. Did I just not pick up on the social cues? Did you really mean it when you said you intended to get back with us? Or did you lie? You kept saying it was an indefinite break. Just a week earlier you were snuggling and even doing rather kinky stuff with him. Maybe you did lie. Why? I trust you with everything, yet you can't seem to even tell me why I'm removed from everything. You really seem like you don't want to be my friend, but then reassure me you do. I have to believe you, because I trust you. I still love you with all my heart. I wish I could go back and undo what I did, or removed myself from the situation. Maybe if I wasn't around you guys could've been happy. I don't fall in love willy nilly, she was the only other person, but in that short time of us being together, she taught me so much about myself. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I just want that feeling back. I shouldn't have held hope, and I know this, why did she give me hope?? I should've told her how much she really means to me. I should've asked sooner. Now that you've made it clear, you won't respond to my messages. You promised me I wouldn't loose you...
No drug could ever emulate how I felt by your side. I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect lover you wanted.
Victim - 2/11/2024
I had just made a shattering realization the other day. I don't know why it took me so long. I was a victim. I was 14, he was 17. I don't know how to live with this information. I knew I was broken, but now I carry even more of a burden. I'm tired of living.
Is it survivors guilt? - 2/2/2024
Is it survivors guilt if I was never in a position of being harmed? Is it survivors guilt that I was able to walk out of that hellhole unscaved? What gives me the privilage to walk out of that building alive, while they were all left to die. Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I break the chains and cages while no one looked? Why did I sit there taking photos, when I could've saved their lives. I'm a human being, I have sinned one too many times in my life, but these people were innocent. They have done nothing wrong to anyone. Yet, they face a fate worse than death. If anything, death was a relief to them. It shouldn't have been them. It shouldn't have been anyone.
Shame and Webkinz - 1/30/2024
I feel shame in exisitng. I feel bad for those who have to care for me like I'm a baby. I wasn't born to make it, looking at it from a natural view. I wish my parents didn't have to care for me in adulthood like they have to. I wish I could do the damn dishes without melting down to the point where I want to kms. I just don't understand why I was made this way, when everything, even natural forces, cause me discomfort or pain. It seems no one else has these issues, and even those who do seem to even cast me out.
Anyways, I am getting back into Webkinz suddenly and just got two (no tags) from a thrift store. Even better, only for $0.99 each. They had a Blufadoodle and a Porcupine! My username is Gekkorotto if you wanna add me on Webkinz :3 Oh, and I also got this silly looking snail plushie (not a Webkinz but very cute) (May or may not edit blog later with photos)
Dreams - 1/25/2024
I dream of a place that I feel safe. I dream of a place where I can give a home to those who don't have one. I dream of a sanctuary for all kinds, a place where we help each other to live in peace. No war. No violence. No oppression. It's because of this me and my best friends are genuinely saving up to hopefully start a small veganarchist commune/animal sanctuary. How does one with no ability to work, constantly being rejected government income, achive this goal? I don't know.
EDIT: As I finished this I got word that I have for the 3rd time, been declined government income :))))
My problem with people sexualizing cows. - 1/20/2024
As someone who is partially part of an online community of artists who express their art through non-human animals and human-like animals, I have the understanding that the sexualizing of these characters is purely fiction and common practice. I mean, I love drawing tits, but I can't draw humans, so it's the perfect mix (if that makes any sense) but when it comes to cow OCs/Fursonas, I have noticed that most tend to be overly-sexualized. I don't have any issue with sexualized characters at all, but I have noticed a pattern when it comes to cow characters. For one, I should get out of the way that most of you know I am an animal rights activist, one who has been to multiple real-life locations of animal abuse and exploitation. I've been to quite a few dairy farms, and they're all horrible horrible places. I don't wanna keep this too long, so in short, cows do not natually produce milk, so against their will, farmers basically rape these cows so they can get pregnant and start producing milk. It's the reason over many years of domestication that they have larger udders compared to other mammals. Why am I mentioning this? Because I've noticed the pattern that most cowsonas/OCs tend to over-sexualize the large udders of real beings who are in a lot of pain due to their over-sized body parts. Or when people just HAVE to make milk a part of that characters personality. I remember once a few years back I saw this AMAZING cow fursona, and guess what? No noticable udders, no milk-sexualization, they were just a normal cow OC. It made me so happy to see someone actually appreciate cows with their art instead of just sexualizing their stereotype/abuse. Don't get me wrong, I get it. I want big mommy milkers in my face too, but I have to draw a line when people want to pretend there is nothing wrong with sexualizing a group of individuals who have been oppressed sexually for thousands of years.
Stocking my beloved - 1/16/2024
It took me forever for some reason, but I FINALLY watched Panty & Stocking. I knew from the start that I would love it, aside the racist stuff ofc. I love Stocking and made a new hidden shrine if you click around the site ;P I want her boobs in my face
Why don't others have empathy? - 1/15/2024
I feel like most humans aren't as empathetic as we make ourselves out to be. If humans really all put effort into understanding each other, and other creatures like them, there wouldn't be so much hate. If humans actually cared about animals, for example, everyone would be vegan. Deep down though, no one actually gives a shit. I recently found out an old friend of mine had used me for money, someone who I used to talk to daily and thought they understood me. Maybe it was my fault trying to get back in contact after awhile? I'm thankful for all the friends I have who are loyal and truthful.
Hiiis - 1/14/2024
Testing out HTML is rlly fun, and I hope I can use this space to better talk about my thoughts n such :33